Tick Tock

I'm typing most of this entry from 38,000 feet above the ground...on a flight back to reality. Summer is over. And according to my self-imposed timeline, I'm supposed to have a plan by now...but I don't. I kind of thought that everything would just come together for me, like it always does...There'd be obvious signs and open doors leading me in the right direction. I'd be lying if I said I'm not concerned by my lack of a plan. I'd also be lying if I said this summer is ending the way I had hoped. Sometimes things just don't go as expected. Sometimes making a big decision is too scary when there aren't any signs telling you to make it. And sometimes there are just too many choices.

So the main problem I'm having is that my ideas are all over the place...and my mind gets distracted so easily. (I think I might have ADD.) In a typical morning, I'll be researching jobs in San Diego when I'll get sidetracked by the idea of teaching English abroad again...and then before I know it, I'm searching for jobs in Rwanda or Mexico or Thailand. Sometimes I even apply!  Then I'll go back to my original search, fixate on something that isn't even a good fit for me, and then before I know it...it's time for a nap. Then I'll spend the rest of the day pretending like I won't need a job. Ever. 

Here I am on Lake Tahoe feeling
very worried about my future.  :) 

There's always a dichotomy to the decision making. I'm torn between my grand visions of moving abroad again and the reality of what it would actually entail. I'd love to go back to Africa to teach those who would benefit most from learning English. But then I think about the discomfort, the money, the loneliness, the mosquitoes. Fantasy versus reality. Wanderlust vs. nesting. Spending time exploring vs. spending time with loved ones. 

You've heard the saying that not making a decision is actually making a decision? Well, I think my lack of a plan is actually forcing me to implement my default plan, which is to stay in San Diego. Nesting here feels about 90% right. Mostly because I want to take my cookware collection out of storage; I want to hang up my photos and art; I want to be close to my little nieces and my family; I want to go to dinner with my friends; and after two years of mostly being away, I want to be "home" for awhile. But still, there's a voice in my head that's a little worried that I might make the wrong decision.

My Aunt Rita, our family matriarch,
on her 87th birthday, and my Uncle Jim,
one of the greatest men ever created.

Like I aleady mentioned, I'm currently on a plane (increasing my carbon footprint and drinking cheap wine) back to San Diego. I'm returning from Rhode Island, where I spent the last five days with relatives from my mother's side of the family. We were celebrating the life of my grandma (who we lost one year ago) and the birthday of her younger sister, my Aunt Rita, who just turned 87. When I say I was with my relatives, I'm talking about aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins, third cousins, and friends of family members who we've "adopted" into our crazy group. There's the stereotypcial drinking, storytelling and miscommunication you'd expect from a big Irish Catholic family...lots of confusion, but never a dull moment.  As one aunt said, "we put the fun in dysfunctional."  Our gatherings are like a strong medicine, best taken in small doses. I need them for my survival...but an overdose would probably kill me (or at least zap me of ALL my energy). We may be crazy, but at our core we're full of love for one another...and we're all connected by a strong bond and a mutual appreciation for the inspirational matriarchs of the family who have modeled how to truly enjoy life.

Rewinding to how I enjoyed life last month...a distant relative from my father's lineage made the trip of her lifetime (with some coaxing by yours truly) to come visit me in California. Despite being nervous to travel alone to a new country, Tatiana made the solo trip via (scary) JFK Airport and into Los Angeles. Her visit gave me a chance to reciprocate the tour guiding she did for me during my time in her country. Turns out, this also was an opportunity for my Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder to return. I had forgotten what a weirdo I am with schedules and planning itineraries. I just wanted everything to be absolutely perfect for her, so Krazy Kristin emerged and micromanaged every single detail of the trip. Poor Tatiana got to see the neurotic side of me while we were together 24/7 for three weeks. I ran a tight program that included many firsts for her and that I think gave her a nice overview of life in Southern California. I tried my best to debunk the Italian myth that American food sucks. And since much of Californian culture is about freedom and non-conformity, I think she discovered that not having rules tied to all parts of daily life can be kind of liberating. (You can eat what you want, when you want, where you want, with whomever you want. Yay!) Here are some of my favorite photos from her time here...

Padres baseball game (thanks Chuck!)

Southern California livin' - Cocktails in the pool

Big Sur - on our way to San Francisco

Newport Beach...Tatiana's last night. (I miss her.)

In the process of being tour guide for Tatiana, I fell in love with my home state and more specifically, my hometown. I guess this is another reason why staying here feels (90%) right. I love the diversity of the city; its proximity to the ocean, mountains, desert, and Mexico; the countless 24 hours/day drive-thru taco shops; and the relaxed San Diego culture. Of course there's also traffic, a high cost of living, and too many shopping malls...but overall, it's pretty awesome. And showing it to someone from another country made me really appreciate it.

Before Tatiana's visit, I was in southeast Alaska visiting Natcho during his brief break from the wilderness. Like most of our reunions, the time was just long enough to reconnect before it was time to separate again. But whether or not we realized it at the time, there was more at stake during this visit. I finally saw the town he calls home in the summertime...the town he's raved about for years. And I liked it, but I definitely felt like a foreigner in a strange land. I could never live in Alaska....or in a super small town...or without plumbing, for that matter. Also, our "see you in a few months" pattern has finally reached its breaking point (with me). Sadly, I'm conditioned to live without him in my day-to-day life and therefore, living without him feels more normal than living with him. For the last nine years (!!!) I've held on to a hope that we'd be able to figure out a way to have a more traditional lifestyle and relationship, but now I don't see a solution...except to accept that there isn't one. 

We've put it into an avian metaphor: I want to build a nest...and so does Natcho, but unfortunately, we're two different types of birds. You see, he's an extreme long distance migratory bird, like the Arctic Tern. Whereas I'm more like the Brown Pelican, which likes hanging out at the beach and only traveling up the coast to see friends or to grab a bite to eat. I don't need to travel for survival. Migratory birds, on the other hand, need to be on the move...or they die. He's tried to convince me otherwise, but I don't believe him...I guess only time will tell.

Wildflower walk in Gustavus

Finally saw a bear on my last day in Haines!

Speaking of time, I have a love hate relationship with it. Maybe everyone does. It's either moving too slowly, like when we're waiting for something to happen; or it's moving too quickly, like when we're wishing for something not to end. Slow time can be fantastic, like when you're savoring something special. But often it's difficult, almost painful...like when you're waiting for a long flight to end, or waiting to see that special someone again, or waiting for a sign from the universe to show you what to do with your life. But in general, I think time is slipping past us without most of even noticing...Until we're on the other end of it, looking back and wondering where it went. 

How we spend our time is an indicator of what's most important to us. Why don't we spend more time with the people who we'll miss most when there isn't any time left? Why do we choose to spend time with people who don't bring out the best in us? Why do so many people (myself included) waste so much time on things that pull them away from productivity? Why do people spend their workdays doing something they don't even enjoy? How we spend our time is how we spend our life. Our one life! 

Hopefully by the next time I write (although maybe this is my last entry):

- I'll have found a job that makes me happy, but doesn't stress me out. 

- I'll be making enough money to live, eat and travel. Living simply. 

- I'll be spending more time with the people I enjoy and love. 

- I'll be using my time in a more productive way to make myself a better person, thus spreading happiness.

Wish me luck!

p.s. Check this out: Timelapse Video of Earth 
(It reminds me of how quickly we're all moving in our little lives while our planet spins and rotates around the Sun.)