Choose Your Own Adventure

Since I've been back from Italy, I've been trying to figure out my next step and basically,...my entire life's purpose. No pressure.

I've had quite a few tentative plans and ideas that seemed great, but then something would happen and the Universe would say, "Ha Ha, fooled ya! Try again." 

Over the last six months, I've gone from thinking I'd get an ordinary job and settle back in San Diego, to almost applying to graduate school, to job hunting in Central America, to making the decision I finally made. It's amazing how a plan can go from feeling completely perfect to feeling completely wrong overnight. Things can change quickly. I've learned, though, that pangs of disappointment are often a precursor for feelings of relief; and how you respond to letdown and change determines your path. 

When I was a preteen my favorite books were those in the Choose Your Own Adventure series....the ones where you face a few options at the end of a section, each of which takes you to various scenarios and more options...and then leads you to one of many possible endings. The reader is completely in control of her own destiny...sort of. There are only so many possibilities, but if you don't like how the story is going you get the recurring opportunity to make a change. Flip to a different page. Take another path. These Choose Your Own Adventure books are how we're all living to some extent.

But sometimes you just don't know which path to take next. I'm assuming we all will feel this way at some point in our lives, right? That crossroads where your life can go in a hundred different ways.  I've written before about my obsession with limitless choices, indecision and possible "signs," all of which contribute to the clutter in one's mind when feeling a bit lost.  This is usually the time when your friends and family tell you to "just follow your gut," like it's the easiest thing in the world to do. Like you hadn't already tried a million times to figure out what your gut is telling you to do next. I guess knowing how to follow your instinct comes naturally for some people; but for others, like me, it's an acquired skill that you get from reflection and "ah ha" moments. It's a constant mind vs. gut game that eventually ends with a huge sigh of relief when we finally feel the "right" choice. It's the not-so-right choices that mess with our minds and make us feel off track.

Without fear of sounding cliche, when we feel lost, we're usually right where we're supposed to be. And I think I've been exactly where I was supposed to be these last six months; doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing.  Being away from family, friends, and familiarity for an extended period of time can make one feel a little off balance.  Surrounding oneself with one's comfort zone is an excellent way to recharge and prepare for the next step. (It just took a bit longer than I had thought.) I assumed the next step for my life would be here in San Diego, but the more I looked and pushed, the less it felt right. Just because I've decided to leave again doesn't mean I don't love it here because I do. Being in San Diego has meant lounging around the house without a care in the world, meeting my grandpa for lunch, connecting with friends, walking around the neighborhood I've known my whole life, watching Masterpiece Theatre with my mom, volunteering with refugees who remind me of how lucky I am to have been born in America, getting to know my one year old niece, becoming friends with my five year old niece, cooking to my heart's desire, and just spending some nice time with my loved ones. I was here during my stepdad's heart surgery and recovery, Thanksgiving, Christmas & New Year's. It's all been so perfect.

When I first made the decision to leave my teaching position in San Diego, the one that I loved dearly, I never really thought about the consequences of not having a solid job with health benefits, a pension plan, or an automatic monthly deposit into my bank account. All I knew was that I had quite a bit of money saved up and that I was sure it was enough. And I was right...my funds got me through four months in Africa, a Spanish program in Mexico, a TEFL course in Florence, and even supplemented my tiny teaching paycheck while I lived in Verona.  That was July of 2010. And now...two and a half years later, my savings account is practically gone and I haven't a clue as to my future financial security...but for some reason I'm not really worried.  I used to be so preoccupied with planning for the future, wondering about the future, stressing about the future...and now I'm much more open to different paths. I know I'll be happy with whichever ones(s) I choose to take...and it's ok that I don't even know which future paths exist. However, you can't sit around waiting for a magical rainbow to open up before your eyes and lead you into your destiny. Sometimes you have to scout possibilities to see if they feel right...you need to have your heart set on something that might not work out...and you need to make decisions that scare you. There's just no way around that one. Fear is the ultimate obstacle to any big, life altering decision that may or may not potentially lead one to their karmic destination.

On January 17th I have a one-way ticket to Mexico City, the starting point of a journey that will end in Quetzaltenango, Guatemala. The need for Spanish fluency keeps recurring in my life and on many recent speaking attempts, I realized that the little Italian I know has hijacked much of my Spanish. Since my number one goal is to improve, I'm heading south of the border to take classes and immerse myself for awhile...and then, who knows! I trust everything will work out and I'm pretty sure I'll meet people along the way who somehow benefit my existence and who might just lead me onto yet another path.